To really understand the drive behind my starting this blog, you need to be there at the beginning. What will follow is a journal entry I wrote on April 23, 2009. I was in the final weeks of a women’s bible study. My first one ever. This was my A-HA moment. This is what has driven me for the past 9 months. So that you can understand the events of today and where I am trying to go, I give you the beginning…
“So, the other day I started doing something unusual. I decided to actually “do work”. I was outside and, obviously possessed of something other than my own self, decided to stack the wood. I spent almost 2 hours stacking wood. All the while working in my head on this thing that God is pulling me to do. I finish my work and, very satisfied with my job, turn to go inside. “CRASH” – I turn around, and the wood crib had tipped over. All of my work undone. Too tired at this point to fix what had happened, I went inside and decided I would NEVER stack wood AGAIN!
Since the beginning of the Beth Moore bible study I started 2 months ago, God has been screaming my name. I have experienced this joy and need that I don’t think I have ever felt. Energized. Passion. Stepping Up helped me to see that there was work to be done, and God wanted me to get at it. I was afraid. I have always been afraid. OF failure. Of succeeding. Of wanting something so much, knowing I was meant to do SOMETHING!
You see, I have been given gifts, we have all been given gifts, I have lofty dreams, dreams I know for certain I am meant to do. But I am afraid. And then Beth Moore looks out from the big screen and says to me “There is no reason to be afraid. Do not for one minute think that you are so great that you could mess up God’s plan!” WOW, and this is only the introduction day. So I went home, and really started to be still and quiet and listen. And God started talking, and I kept listening, and HE kept on talking.
During this study I gave up. I gave up my need to control and to protect myself. I felt this tiny stirring in my heart. God said “Marcy, take one step, just one in faith to Me, and I will be there to catch you.” I stepped. The next morning I was is the shower, a bit confused, very lost, scared, giving up control is HARD! I remember needing to see His face, hear His voice. I prayed “Father, please, I am here, I am listening, what do I do? Please, God, come in to me, fill me up. I am ready to empty everything of myself to have room for you.” I was on my knees in the shower, water running down my face, waiting, waiting for God. He answered. “Child, I have always been here. I have been right beside you. When you walked I walked with you. You took steps back, I stayed with you. You crawled, I crawled with you. You fell, I lay beside you until you were ready, and then I lifted you up in my mighty arms. You stumbled, I propped you up. But now, Marcy, you are ready, and I am here, let’s run!” I thought my heart would explode. But where? Run where? How? What is it you want me to do?
Timing. Our God is a God of timing. As the weeks of study went by I just became more and more excited. And hungry. Voraciously hungry. Hungry for more God. The joy was consuming. I began thinking if this is my reaction to this teaching, imagine what would happen if we could do the same thing for our children. Kevin and I head to the book store, buying each of the kids their own devotional – I want them to feel this passion. When the kids start reading their books, they love them. I think to myself, why? Why haven’t I done this for them before? Our children are so precious. They are gifts from God that we are given to protect and raise to love and honor Him. How do I do this? And then it hits me. ME! I DO THIS! God wants me to bring this excitement and love to his children. His lost generation. Those in-between kids. The ones lost in video games and Cartoons. Our children are so hungry to belong somewhere, anywhere, that whatever you give them they will take. They need to be given God. I need to give them God! More than just our Sunday service. Our children need to know who He is. What great works can be done in Him. They need to be allowed to feel the passion of His love and purpose for them.
For the past week I have been reading, and praying, and listening. My poor husband must think I have absolutely lost my mind. I am so overflowing with joy and purpose. And then my fear creeps back in. I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I am so new to this “God-thing”. I still have to look in the front of my bible to find chapters. How on Earth could I think that I am worthy of the responsibility of shepherding God’s children? Again, I hear Beth Moore in my head, and I think “Because I know, that I know, that I know that God has great things for me, and that through Him I will do great things”. I am about my Father’s business. I have no time for your untruths. You have NO POWER over me or mine, and you have no business here. Our God is Awesome and mighty, filling all space, leaving no room for anything but Truth. There is no way I will give this lie any substance in my mind. There is no way I will allow this lie to keep me from the important work I have been set to do.” If this is to be a war, count me IN, I will fight with God’s Truth and strength for our children. I can do nothing but win. It is already won. How can I be so vein as to think that God would call me to do something that he has not prepared me for? I am ready. I am hungry for whatever HE wants me to learn.
This afternoon I head outside to rake up leaves. Instead I end up on my hands and knees in one of my gardens pulling up small pieces of grass which have found their way in to the beds over the winter. Most are small blades, but when you pull them up they have this massive root system. I start thinking that we are all like gardeners. These tiny weeds we pull are sometimes rooted deeply and we don’t even realize it. If you don’t get the whole root, that weed grows back again, and again. Then I look over to the fallen wood pile I worked so hard on just a few days ago. I realize that it tipped over because I didn’t give it a firm foundation; there was nothing under it to support it. I think to myself “Man, God is good.”